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Ode to My Dishwasher

 

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Dishwasher, we haven’t known each other long
But my love for you runs deep and strong
For awhile, you weren’t here, and I was blue.
But now, every night, it’s just me and you.

You wash, you soak, you scrub, you dry.
I don’t lift a finger or bat an eye.
No more nasty hands for this gal, sis,
You take care of every dish.

My glasses sparkle, my plates shine;
I no longer deny that the bowls are mine.
No more gritty forks or knives,
No more soggy food that gives me hives.

I’m not the toughest, but I’m tougher than some
But darn it if I don’t hate washing every one
Of those dishes that stack up in my sink
It’s enough to push me to the brink.

So dishwasher, though you’ve been here but a day
I hope you’ll never, ever go away
You’re saving me from a dreaded chore
And making my evening not a bore

I now have time to relax and unwind
While you do your thing, I hope you don’t mind.
I assume you don’t, since you don’t haw or hem.
Sweet dishwasher, you really are such a gem.

My dishwasher arrived a few days ago and I am deliriously, inappropriately, over-the-moon happy about it. I don’t mind telling you that washing dishes takes years off my life and makes me want to die and turns my already-gross hands into an even grosser swamp creature and also makes me kind of mean because you should see the dishes we seem to generate and also tiny toddler and baby things suck to wash.

Everyone’s got their favorite appliances. I love me some goooood dishwashing…that I don’t have to do. I told Bert last night that there are not many kitchen appliances I would sub in for my dishwasher, save the oven, refrigerator, and running water. I would gladly mix things by hand, toast things over an open flame, make rice in a pot, slow-cook things in an oven, and use a griddle pan for everything else than not have a dishwasher forever.

And if you are one of those people that “enjoys washing dishes,” mazel tov, truly! It takes all kinds of kind, although your kind of kind is bizarre to me but I think we can still be friends provided you don’t also enjoy de-clogging shower drains and scrubbing kitchen cabinets because then I might be worried you’re actually a Westworld droid. Actually, if you love those things a lot, or are a (non-homicidal) Westworld droid, come on over and do mine?

(Yes, I recognize I was without a dishwasher for like, 2.5 months. That was 2.4 months too long #noshame.)

(Also, did you know it’s hard to take a pretty picture of a dishwasher in a not-so-pretty corner of the kitchen? It is.)