Personal

Social Media Reality Check & Going For It.

I think you should just go for itImage source

We’re light on the ranchy stuff this week, since we have been mostly inside with sick babes! But, you know, in addition to being ranchy, I’m also a mama and a person and all those things, and so I don’t think every post on here is going to be related directly to ranching, since that’s not my entire life.

Does everyone have a “Social Media Reality Check” awakening? I think it’s not just me, but I’m unsure whether or not it’s a widespread phenomenon or is limited to those of us who are slow on the uptake. I mean, we all  see the “Don’t compare your life to someone else’s highlight reel,” “comparison is the thief of joy,” “you are fearfully and wonderfully made so be yourself”-type things, and the exposés about how much effort the big Instagrammers use to get those oh-so-candid shots, and the ridiculous lengths people go to in order to look good and “on” all the time.

But darn if it hasn’t just started to sink in for me. I don’t know if it’s because I’ve given up Facebook for Lent (maybe forever? Except the groups? How does one do that?), or the fact that it finally rained here last week and it woke up something in my soul because man that dust and wind will get you down, or a Bible verse or a new book or what, but I think I’m finally starting to understand.

Granted, it’s been a rough…half a year? Whole year? I don’t know. I’ve had a hard time with this move, as I’ve mentioned before, and finding my worth and getting into the swing of things (something that is a big part of my mental state) has felt so hard in this new place that I don’t love yet. Making new friends (friend dating gives me fits, btw. Why am I so awkward? Why can’t we just look at a gal and say “Hey, I’m hip to your jive, let’s be friends?” Or can I do that?), learning where things are, trying to feel sort of at home…it’s worn me out.

But you know, it’s okay that I don’t love it. I don’t have to love it. I don’t have to want to live here my entire life and sing with gusto about it from the rooftops (barntops?). Just because I don’t love it doesn’t mean I can’t like it, and grow here, nor does it lessen the love that others have for it. I do, however, have to appreciate and be thankful for what I can about it (the sunsets! No nosy neighbors! Wonderful people! Lower car insurance rates! Being able to be outside playing in the winter without being freezing!), and use my time here to help my future self, which for me means setting up or getting involved in some sort of business that I can take with us, since losing my job in the move was a big contributor to my feelings of inadequacy. I like to have a purpose outside of our family, and for me, raising children and being a wife is my best job, but it can’t be my only job.

Social media, though, has also contributed to those feelings, and I’m ashamed it’s gotten so far. I realized, with the help of the app I talked about a few weeks past on IG, how much time I have really been spending on social media and y’all, it’s not pretty. And I realized how damaging that’s been in this season.

So, in addition to adios-ing Facebook, lately I’ve spent time unfollowing. That feels strange, considering I want to grow my own following on IG, and it feels sort of like a breakup because there are accounts that I’ve followed on IG or on their blog for years. I feel like I  know them, which is the magic of social media, but they no longer make me feel good, and sometimes they make me feel, well, bad, and it’s obvious that I’m not really part of the community they’ve built. Which is not on them, of course. Just because it works for someone else (hi, BBG and “clean eating” and those weird studded Valentino pointy shoes and overalls and overly opulent lifestyles and weird 90s bucket hats and cleanses) doesn’t mean it works for me, and that’s okay. Maybe in the future we can meet again but not right now. Unfollow, unfollow, unfollow.

Instead, I’m focusing on accounts that lift me up, or make me laugh, or make me think, or have great Bible verses, or feel aspirational in a way that’s inspirational instead of disheartening or completely unreasonable.

I’ve already felt a change, though. I’ve noticed it in how I’ve reacted to the boys being sick (I’m not stressed, I’m oddly zen about it), and how my mindset has changed about my side hustle (“I’m worth it, I’m qualified, it’s a good idea, it has a place, and it will take time to get off the ground but it’s worth it and I can do a really, really good job and make some money”). I think it’s also helped me react better to a situation in which someone was being little silly and unkind, and where I would have been angry or offended before, I chose not to take it personally, because the way someone reacts to a situation is a reflection of them, not me.

I’m not sure why I wrote this other than this is the sort of thing that speaks to me when I see it. Like yeah, I’m a ranch wife and a mama and a (budding) business owner, and I spend so much time raising my boys and trying to be the best wife I can and cooking and sweeping and cleaning and sweeping and also sweeping. But I’m also a person, an autonomous unit unto myself with interests and worries and hopes and dreams. And juggling all of those roles in this uber-connected world we live in can be so hard, especially when you see the gals who seem like everything is perfect. Or the ones that show a “real life” shot every now and then that feels so token it’s not even funny. Really, totally, unfunny.

Also, Brene Brown (and Jen Hatmaker and Tsh Oxenreider and Jamie Ivey and all those other amazing women I look up to) tells me I need to be more vulnerable, which is a word that actually gives me the shivers (like “moist” does for a lot of people), but when I hear her talk about it, she’s got a point. I mean, heck, even IG and Facebook have changed their algorithms to foster “community” and the only community I want to be part of is a real one, and I believe that can exist online if we let it.

And can we please let it? Because my closest friend live like a power of ten miles away.

Happy Thursday! Both of my children are napping, the sun is shining, and I’m spending some time on work and the Word before the chaos of dinner ensues, while also praying that we don’t have to go back to the doctor tomorrow.

On The Ranch · Personal

This is a Season

shipping

The other day, we went down to watch the guys ship cattle. We watched the trucks drive by the house early in the morning, and Wacey couldn’t wiggle into his boots fast enough to go down to the pens.

We sat on a flatbed trailer and watched cow after cow get into the trucks while Buster napped in the car, and it was one of those mothering moments that was so bittersweet. Sweet because I love everyday things that become amazing through the eyes of a child and it was so fun to be sitting next to my oldest boy while he said “Woooow” over and over again, and bitter because oh, I miss working cattle. I miss being horseback, I miss being on the crew, I even miss getting up early and hating my life because it’s not even light out yet and I’m horseback and freezing. I miss the hustle and the use of my body for something other than mothering or intentional exercise, and I miss feeling like I’ve put in a full day of hard, productive work. I miss feeling part of something bigger than tiny humans and the world that can feel so small when it’s really best for all involved to have naptime at home every day.

But you know, this is a season (and “this is a season” has become my mothering mantra when things are tough). Mothering young children is a long-but-short season. I don’t like thinking of it as a sacrifice because that idea just doesn’t suit me or my experience of mothering because for me, motherhood has been a gift–a hard-won, shocking gift–that I never, ever expected. I did not grow up wishing to be a mother, although I wanted to be one…someday. I never, ever thought I would have two children before I was even thirty, much less adore having those two children.

(But, you know, I never thought I would be married and living on a ranch ever, much less before I was thirty, much less loving it, either, so this is God’s not-so-subtle way of saying “Hey, sis, take your plans and shove it. Mine are waaaaaay better.”)

Motherhood has changed me in so many good, good ways. I’m more patient, more empathetic, slower to anger, and quicker to laugh. I’m much more likely to lean on my devotional than get butt hurt over something I can’t change, and much more likely to see the little special moments and have gratitude for everyday life. Bert even says I’m late less, which is nothing short of a miracle, because chronic lateness runs in my family and kids require so much stuff to just get out the door.

Motherhood has also given me the perspective to sit on a flatbed trailer, watching my husband load cattle into a truck, and recognize that while I’m a tiny bit jealous, and that I miss it a lot, someday my children will be old enough to mind themselves while their daddy and I load cattle. Or maybe, if we’re lucky, they’ll be horseback right along with us, and that would be the biggest treat of all.

Celebrate

Currently 9.15.17

I couldn’t get myself together for a Friday Favorites post today, so instead I’m doing a Currently.

Time and place: 3:32 pm, my living room. Wacey decided he wasn’t down for a nap today, so he’s (sort of) quietly watching Alice in Wonderland (the live-action because I love it), and I’m feeling quiet and a little lazy myself.

write the word

Loving: my new devotional. Guys, these things have my heart. I grounds me to take a little time (or snatches of time) to do a page every day. I’ve talked about my love of these devotionals before, but I was without one for a few weeks because I finished my last one right before they restocked the shop, and I missed it so much! I ordered this one the very minute they were back in stock, but of course put the wrong shipping address in (we don’t get USPS to our house, so we have a PO box in town and I entered our home address) so I had to wait extra long for it to arrive. Shout out to their customer service for helping me fix my error!

Craving: My favorite restaurants. We haven’t done much restaurant exploring yet (maybe due to the fact that the nearest town with a decent amount of restaurants is 50 miles away) and I’ve got a hankering for Chinese and Italian–Hoong’s Palace and the Saucy Noodle, specifically, if you’re near Denver! Our anniversary is next week, maybe I can convince Bert that a little restaurant reconnoitering is in order.

rp

Repeating: my love for grey paint. I know I’ve harped on and on about it here and on IG, but when something is life-changing, I get obsessed and I can’t shut up about it. I finished the Revere Pewter and y’all, it’s transformative. It feels like home.

folding nook

Planning: next week’s assault on the laundry room. It’s getting a fresh coat of paint (obviously, since I can’t stop), and I’m really excited to add some things to make it more functional. There’s a weird recess in the wall that’s entirely wasted space, and in a house this small, that’s almost a sin. It’s going to get two big shelves and a tension rod (the above picture has the right idea) so I finally have a place to put laundry and hang up Bert’s clean shirts without having to schlep piles of clothes all over the house. It’s funny, even though this house is a lot smaller than our last one, it has things I’ve always wanted, like a giant, actually functional mudroom, and space in the laundry room for folding, full baskets, and hanging clothes.

Seeking: Organizational solutions. I feel like we need a few more helps to make this house really tick, but I’m unsure about what they are or where to find them. I think my main issue is the absence of a junk drawer! I don’t have anywhere for pens or notepads or odds and ends like baby nail clippers and phone cords to live and I’m paralyzed.

Cherishing: Wacey’s word rush! All of a sudden he has all these words, and it’s amazing. He’ll just look at something and call it what it is, having never said the word before, and each time it’s a celebration. Watching kids learn is great.

Missing: home, just a little bit. I see pictures of the ranch and the calves and it’s still surreal that we’re here and not there. That place will always have a little piece of my heart. But you know, that’s how it’s supposed to be.

sweatshirt

Awaiting: Guys, I have a problem. It’s called Fall/Winter clothing, and I can’t help myself. I’m all about clothes that are comfortable but not always leggings that I can wear anywhere, play in, and still feel like an adult human. I also love crew neck sweatshirts, and was recently bemoaning the fact that one of my favorites is almost worn out, so this beauty is on its way to me to replace it. I’m officially put myself on a clothing-purchase moratorium until my birthday because a) we have a budget and b) control yourself, Johnston. Seriously.

Cooking: we have a few uneaten meals on the calendar from the past two weeks due to leftovers and impromptu fried-rice-making nights so I have a few choices for this evening: Lemon Brown Sugar Chicken, chicken cutlets, or burgers. And I really can’t decide! Because what I really want is takeout. #ranchgalproblems

Happy Friday! I hope your weekend is full of whatever you need most.